Cruel Intentions Pt 2: Taking the Bully By the Horns

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The news no parent wants to hear -- your daughter is behaving like a bully.

Bullying is defined as repeated exposure involving an imbalance of power-- from negative actions that are physical (hitting, kicking) or verbal (name-calling, threatening), to other behaviors such as obscene gestures or intentional exclusion.

The Buzz on Bullying:

• Bullies identified by age eight are six times more likely to be convicted of a crime by age 24 and five times more likely than non-bullies to end up with serious criminal records by the age of 30 (Maine Project Against Bullying);
  
• 60 percent of students characterized as bullies in grades 6-9 had at least one criminal conviction by age 24 (Banks, 2000);
  
• Bullying by girls is often more subtle and harder to detect than bullying by boys (NRCSS, 1999). Boys tend to use more physical aggression than girls do. Bullying by girls more often takes the form of teasing and social exclusion (Hoover & Oliver).
  
• Boys tend to bully both boys and girls, while girls are more likely to victimize other girls (Hoover & Oliver).
  
• Girls are more likely to bully in a group

Girls and all children for that matter bully for a variety of reasons. Some do it to feel powerful or in control. Others do it because they are bullied themselves. Some believe it will increase their status with peers. Often, children who bully have a difficult time empathizing with their victims.

It is perfectly natural for a parent to react defensively to news that their daughter is bullying others. No one wants to hear that their child is a bully. Yet, research shows that parental involvement is key to stopping the cycle.

When confronted with this news, it is important to emotionally neutralize the situation or discussion about your daughter’s behavior and so that you are in a position to process and actually hear what's being said. If you find yourself going into defense mode or feeling offended, try saying, "Instead of labeling my child, please tell me what happened." Make yourself really listen. Remember that this discussion is ultimately about the well-being of your daughter, regardless of how it’s being framed or how it may make you feel.

Even if your daughter is behaving aggressively or acting like a bully, remember that this behavior is probably coming from her feelings of vulnerability. You need to look for what is going on in her interactions with others and what is going on internally, causing her to behave that way.

In talking with your child, DO NOT BLAME. Do not get into a discussion about the "whys" of what happened. Your discussion should focus on several key points:

• Bullying is not acceptable in our family, the school or in society.
• If you are feeling frustrated, jealous, angry or aggressive, here are some things you can do.
• Help her to develop alternate strategies for dealing with her feelings.
• Remember to role-play, act out situations where she may become angry or frustrated and the new behaviors/strategies she will employ to deal with these feelings.
• Ask, how can I help you with this? Who could you go to in school if you see yourself getting into this type of situation again?
• Specify concretely the consequences if the aggression or bullying continue.
  
• You want to stop the behavior, understand your daughter's feelings, then teach and reward more appropriate behavior.

Other strategies that parents may employ if you suspect that your child is bullying include:

• Be a hands-on parent. Talk to your child and be ready to listen. Know who your child’s friends are. Monitor activities. Work with the school, and keep communication lines open. If they have a bullying prevention program, learn about it. One of the most important things that parents can do for their kids is to be involved.
• Decrease violence at home. Turn off violent TV and video games. But also, monitor your own behavior. What do you do when angry? What is it teaching your child?
• Teach positive behaviors. Reinforce kind, compassionate behavior. Teach empathy and provide opportunities for cooperation. Have your child care for a pet, and enroll your child in meaningful activities that cultivate talents and interests while fostering cooperation and friendship.
• Seek professional help, if needed. Sometimes a situation calls for more than parental intervention. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, bullying can be a sign of other serious antisocial or violent behavior, which can lead to future problems in school and with the law.

Bullies are made, not born. If left unchecked, bullying can lead to serious life-altering consequences. If your daughter has adopted bullying behaviors, you can help her turn things around and get back on a better track. So open those lines of communication. And don't forget to show some compassion along with that firm hand-- your child is watching.