Parent ToolKit: Dealing with Puberty - A Father's Personal Nightmare

Question: I am a single father (widowed) raising a beautiful 11 year old daughter who has - against my wishes, "hit" puberty. How do I help her to understand and to feel comfortable discussing the emotional and physical changes her body is going through, when I don't understand them myself?

Answer: Congratulations! You're about to deal with something that most dads spend a lot of time worrying about. Luckily, though, it really isn't all that bad.

First of, let's recognize that women's bodies have always been something of a mystery to most men and it's perfectly normal to be confused, embarrassed, or even somewhat put off by your daughter's physical changes or the idea of discussing them with her.

Now that you've acknowledged that this will be a learning experience for the both of you, do a little research so that you are prepared for her questions. To start with, you should learn a little about girls' puberty. That way if you ever need to talk to your daughter about it you'll sound a little more knowledgeable.

Somewhere between ages of 8 and 14 the process will start. Your daughter will start to develop breasts, she'll start growing hair on her genitals and under her arms, her skin may start breaking out, and eventually she'll start menstruating. The whole process usually takes from 18 months to as long as 7 or 8 years to complete. If your daughter seems to be starting puberty at the very early end of the age range or hasn't started by the end of the range, have a talk with her pediatrician.

Ask your daughter whether she has any questions about what's going on and let her know that she can ask you anytime she wants to talk. She'll probably be far too self-conscious to discuss those intimate details with "dad," but having made the offer will let her know that you care--and that's the most important thing. You should also consider obtaining some books on the subject -- some for her and some for you!

Consider introducing your daughter to a book like, "The Care & Keeping Of You: The Body Book For Girls" by American Girl - or other fun, engaging and informative guides that answer all of the questions growing girls have about their bodies—from hair care to healthy eating, bad breath to bra buying, pimples to periods. These books are great to read together and provide a less stressful or akward opportunity to discuss the changes she may be experiencing.

If you sense that your daughter isn't getting the information she needs offer to put her in touch with an adult female friend or relative she might feel more comfortable talking to.

During this time of change recognize that it may be exciting, but also stressful to her. Your daughter may feel fat, embarrassed, and uncomfortable in her new body. She may be constantly comparing her rate of development to that of her girl friends and, if she's started early, she may have to deal with some increased attention from boys. If you sense that your daughter is stressed but isn't ready to talk with you about the changes she is experiencing, consider presenting her with a journal so that she may write about them. There are wonderful journaling books available for girls, such as; "The Care & Keeping Of You Journal" which is an interactive journal that allows girls to record their moods, track their periods, and keep in touch with their overall health and well-being. Tips, quizzes, and checklists help girls understand and express what’s happening to their bodies—and their feelings about it.


Just like when she was three, your daughter needs to know what she's going through is normal and that you, the most important male figure in her life, love her. Please remember that if you push her away because you'd rather not deal with this uncomfortable season, no matter how good your intentions, she's going to feel rejected and bad about herself.

Enjoy this journey together...ultimately she will love and appreciate you for it.

Have a question? Email it to use at Girlz@girlz-rule.org

Parent Toolkit: Differing Opinions, Rebellion and Loss of Parental Control Are Good Things?

Growing up means becoming one's own person. With that come differing opinions, rebellion, and loss of complete parental control. The humorous thing is that when daughters begin to exhibit this perfectly natural behavior, many of us cringe! Life was simpler when they didn't question our authority.

Preadolescence, a Preview of What's to Come
Somewhere between 10 and 11 years old, Sally develops the ability to see things from different points of view—hers included. More and more she will begin evaluating Mom's opinions and how they stack up with her own. This ability to begin to see things from different points and return to the original is called "reversibility thinking."

It may be comforting to keep in mind that much of that original opinion may be made up of the values and ideals little Sally has been raised to believe in before this new era of independent analysis.

Adolescence, Agony, and Ambivalence
The onset of puberty, adolescence, and moral independence is a particularly precarious time for daughters and an era of trauma for their mothers. Once this phase sprouts into full bloom an outgoing, productive Sally can turn into a frustrating, sulky, self-centered young teenager.

Matrophobia, or the fear of becoming like one's mother, is particularly prevalent in adolescence. In fact, it is so common in Western culture that many experts consider it normative behavior.

Building Blocks

Matrophobia is the fear of becoming like one's mother or emulating her basic characteristics. If the fear is particularly potent, a woman may estrange herself from her mother in order to establish her own identity.

The Adolescent Self
All of the sudden sociological (magazine and media ads) and biological (hormonal) forces are demanding that Sally focus on a physical presence that is attractive to the opposite sex. According to Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., author of A Woman's Book of Life, these forces are so powerful that a happy, well-adjusted young girl may become confused and ambivalent over who she was and who she is supposed to be. The pushes and pulls to strengthen "the power to be or the power to please" can, Borysenko claims, exacerbate the onset of depression.

The whole idea of "self versus others" makes the young woman in transition feel conflicted by family pressures, the influence of friends, and pride in her own independence. If she feels guilty for the pride and satisfaction she feels in her own independence, there is a risk she might forego her own attitudes, desires, and opinions in favor of the posture of peacekeeper. Borysenko warns that the role of peacekeeper is performed by connecting with others but excluding oneself. She says that society reinforces this because we grow up with the belief that a good woman is not selfish.

Women who grow up and deny their own identities to win favor of others miss out on the cornerstone of intimacy and mature love, a hearty dose of self-respect.