Parent ToolKit: How to Help Your Middle School Child Survive Peer Pressure

So your tween is in Middle school now. They will have alot of changes to deal with during the transition, of being your little boy or girl, to becoming an individual of their own.
When kids reach this point of their lives, fitting in somewhere is very important to them. They tend to identify more with peers then with family. What their "friends" think is all important in this new world of theirs. How can you help counter-act the negative peer pressure they will have to deal with?

Things You'll Need:
•Patience (and alot of it)
•A willingness to listen to your childs concerns
•Alot of unconditional love and forgiveness when you child gives in to the peer pressure.

Step 1
You will find that the average middle schooler is a slave to what their peers think about them. As a rule, what you think has moved to the back shelf. Don't get upset with your child this is pretty normal. What you do to help them make right choices will make all the difference in the world. First encourage your child and their friends to hang out at your house. That way you know where they are and what they're doing. Always make it a pleasant place for the kids by keeping munchies around and giving them a little "space". Not to much but enough so they can giggle and gossip.

Step 2
Make sure you have reasonable age appropriate boundaries in place for your child to be able to lean back on when they feel pressured to do something they know is wrong. Saying "no way my mom would kill me" is a way out for kids when the pressure is on.

Girl Rule Book of the Day!
American Girl's Smart Girl's Guide to Middle School
Middle school is all about change. This book, filled with tips and quizzes, will help girls feel more confident as they anticipate and adjust to the changes of middle school.

Step 3
Encourage your child to invite friends to do fun things like going to the beach or horseback riding. Whatever they enjoy doing. Be the parent that provides transportation most of the time. So even the kids are just going to a movie you will be there to pick them up. It can help keep them from doing foolish things and ending up in trouble.

Step 4
Get to know the parents of your child's friends that way you will have access to information about what your child is doing when at their friends houses.

Step 5
Last but not least, Be patient and forgiving when your kid makes a mistake due to poor judgement. Remember this is a child and they really don't have alot of wisdom developed yet. Keep in mind that they will grow up one day and will be much wiser then today.

Ladon Brumfield
Girls Rule!
http://www.girlz-rule.org/

A Smart Girl's Guide to Dealing With Middle School Boys

Anyone who has survived middle school will probably tell you that it's one of the most challenging phases of your life. In addition to the physical changes that accompany this time, there are also behavioral changes that are sometimes negative. While both boys and girls can develop a mean streak in middle school, boys often do so rather overtly-with loud, distracting and attention-seeking behavior.

Step 1
Give a disinterested reaction to teasing. Middle school boys are notorious for teasing their classmates. People often advise that the best reaction is to "just ignore" a person that teases you, but this can sometimes increase the level of teasing. The best reaction is to simply roll your eyes or shake your head to communicate that the teaser isn't even worth a full reaction.

Step 2
Talk to them. Sometimes middle school boys are simply insecure and what they really seek is your attention and approval rather than your nervous breakdown. Whether your goal is their acceptance as a friend, to get them to stop teasing you or to get one to ask you out, it helps to get the conversation ball rolling. This often breaks down barriers and reduces hostility.

Step 3
Remember the often-frustrating behavior of middle school boys is temporary. Although middle school boys can sometimes seem like wild animals let out of their cages, this behavior dissipates rapidly within a few years. By the time you reach high school, the same boy who teased you in middle school might be the one who asks you for help in Algebra or asks you to be his date for the dance.

Step 4
Get educated on the definitions of harassment and bullying. Some of these steps can help you cope with minor teasing from middle school boys, but harassment and bullying are different and much more serious issues. Read up on the definitions of verbal, physical and sexual harassment; and notify a parent, teacher or counselor if you're a victim of any of these behaviors.

Got a tip or question? Share it with us at info@girlz-rule.org today!

National Bar Assn Youth Law Camp - Apply today!

The National Bar Association is seeking applicants for the Crump Law Camp which was established for students entering the 9th through 11th grades and between the ages of 14 and 17 to introduce them to the judicial system. The goal of the NBA camp is to encourage young people at an early age to become lawyers and seek legal careers in the future.

By 2050 more than half of the people in this country will be of color. More than 90% of the nation’s lawyers are white, as are more than 80% of the students enrolled in law school. Yet more than 30% of the United States is comprised of people of color. The NBA is seeking applicants to attend this camp from every ethnic group and its selection process is non-discriminatory.

The first inaugural two week camp was held during the summer at Howard University School of Law through a grant by the Ford Motor Company Fund in 2001. Campers were and will be housed on the Howard University campus and live in a protected camp environment. Open enrollment is available to students across the country but emphasis will be on enabling students from low income families to attend.

Tuition for the camp will vary depending upon family income. The tuition covers transportation to and from Washington, D.C.; housing; meals; educational materials; and expenses for field trips. The camp provides students with an exciting academic and social agenda in the Washington, D. C. area. The competitive highlight of the camp is the Evett L. Simmons Mock Trial Competition. The four winners of this competition are invited to the NBA’s Annual Convention.

Camp begins July 11, 2010. Applications are available on the NBA website is www.Nationalbar.org and are to be mailed to the following address:

National Bar Association Crump Law Camp
P.O. Box 1048
Washington, D.C. 20008
(301) 249-8355
http://www.national bar.org/lawcamp/ index.shtml

What do you think? Should Schools Bribe Kids for Grades?

Should Schools Bribe Kids for Grades?

Ladon Brumfield
Founding Executive Director
Girls Rule!
www.girlz-rule.org
312-479-0789

Parent ToolKit: Dealing with Puberty - A Father's Personal Nightmare

Question: I am a single father (widowed) raising a beautiful 11 year old daughter who has - against my wishes, "hit" puberty. How do I help her to understand and to feel comfortable discussing the emotional and physical changes her body is going through, when I don't understand them myself?

Answer: Congratulations! You're about to deal with something that most dads spend a lot of time worrying about. Luckily, though, it really isn't all that bad.

First of, let's recognize that women's bodies have always been something of a mystery to most men and it's perfectly normal to be confused, embarrassed, or even somewhat put off by your daughter's physical changes or the idea of discussing them with her.

Now that you've acknowledged that this will be a learning experience for the both of you, do a little research so that you are prepared for her questions. To start with, you should learn a little about girls' puberty. That way if you ever need to talk to your daughter about it you'll sound a little more knowledgeable.

Somewhere between ages of 8 and 14 the process will start. Your daughter will start to develop breasts, she'll start growing hair on her genitals and under her arms, her skin may start breaking out, and eventually she'll start menstruating. The whole process usually takes from 18 months to as long as 7 or 8 years to complete. If your daughter seems to be starting puberty at the very early end of the age range or hasn't started by the end of the range, have a talk with her pediatrician.

Ask your daughter whether she has any questions about what's going on and let her know that she can ask you anytime she wants to talk. She'll probably be far too self-conscious to discuss those intimate details with "dad," but having made the offer will let her know that you care--and that's the most important thing. You should also consider obtaining some books on the subject -- some for her and some for you!

Consider introducing your daughter to a book like, "The Care & Keeping Of You: The Body Book For Girls" by American Girl - or other fun, engaging and informative guides that answer all of the questions growing girls have about their bodies—from hair care to healthy eating, bad breath to bra buying, pimples to periods. These books are great to read together and provide a less stressful or akward opportunity to discuss the changes she may be experiencing.

If you sense that your daughter isn't getting the information she needs offer to put her in touch with an adult female friend or relative she might feel more comfortable talking to.

During this time of change recognize that it may be exciting, but also stressful to her. Your daughter may feel fat, embarrassed, and uncomfortable in her new body. She may be constantly comparing her rate of development to that of her girl friends and, if she's started early, she may have to deal with some increased attention from boys. If you sense that your daughter is stressed but isn't ready to talk with you about the changes she is experiencing, consider presenting her with a journal so that she may write about them. There are wonderful journaling books available for girls, such as; "The Care & Keeping Of You Journal" which is an interactive journal that allows girls to record their moods, track their periods, and keep in touch with their overall health and well-being. Tips, quizzes, and checklists help girls understand and express what’s happening to their bodies—and their feelings about it.


Just like when she was three, your daughter needs to know what she's going through is normal and that you, the most important male figure in her life, love her. Please remember that if you push her away because you'd rather not deal with this uncomfortable season, no matter how good your intentions, she's going to feel rejected and bad about herself.

Enjoy this journey together...ultimately she will love and appreciate you for it.

Have a question? Email it to use at Girlz@girlz-rule.org

Parent Toolkit: Differing Opinions, Rebellion and Loss of Parental Control Are Good Things?

Growing up means becoming one's own person. With that come differing opinions, rebellion, and loss of complete parental control. The humorous thing is that when daughters begin to exhibit this perfectly natural behavior, many of us cringe! Life was simpler when they didn't question our authority.

Preadolescence, a Preview of What's to Come
Somewhere between 10 and 11 years old, Sally develops the ability to see things from different points of view—hers included. More and more she will begin evaluating Mom's opinions and how they stack up with her own. This ability to begin to see things from different points and return to the original is called "reversibility thinking."

It may be comforting to keep in mind that much of that original opinion may be made up of the values and ideals little Sally has been raised to believe in before this new era of independent analysis.

Adolescence, Agony, and Ambivalence
The onset of puberty, adolescence, and moral independence is a particularly precarious time for daughters and an era of trauma for their mothers. Once this phase sprouts into full bloom an outgoing, productive Sally can turn into a frustrating, sulky, self-centered young teenager.

Matrophobia, or the fear of becoming like one's mother, is particularly prevalent in adolescence. In fact, it is so common in Western culture that many experts consider it normative behavior.

Building Blocks

Matrophobia is the fear of becoming like one's mother or emulating her basic characteristics. If the fear is particularly potent, a woman may estrange herself from her mother in order to establish her own identity.

The Adolescent Self
All of the sudden sociological (magazine and media ads) and biological (hormonal) forces are demanding that Sally focus on a physical presence that is attractive to the opposite sex. According to Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., author of A Woman's Book of Life, these forces are so powerful that a happy, well-adjusted young girl may become confused and ambivalent over who she was and who she is supposed to be. The pushes and pulls to strengthen "the power to be or the power to please" can, Borysenko claims, exacerbate the onset of depression.

The whole idea of "self versus others" makes the young woman in transition feel conflicted by family pressures, the influence of friends, and pride in her own independence. If she feels guilty for the pride and satisfaction she feels in her own independence, there is a risk she might forego her own attitudes, desires, and opinions in favor of the posture of peacekeeper. Borysenko warns that the role of peacekeeper is performed by connecting with others but excluding oneself. She says that society reinforces this because we grow up with the belief that a good woman is not selfish.

Women who grow up and deny their own identities to win favor of others miss out on the cornerstone of intimacy and mature love, a hearty dose of self-respect.

Woman to Woman

Did you know...

FACT: Approximately 95 percent of those who suffer bulimia or anorexia are females. Only 5 to 10 percent are males. A study by the American Association of University Women reported some disturbing findings that clearly show how self-image diminishes as girls grow. Sixty percent of elementary school girls in the study said they felt happy with themselves. This number fell to half of that, 30 percent, by high school. Sadly enough, 10 percent of American women are reported to starve, binge, or purge themselves. This number doubles to 20 percent during adolescence. And as if that weren't troubling enough, nearly 15 percent of anorexic women die.

During each Girls Rule! meeting, we incorporate health and well-being activities with regular discussions about our feelings and body image. Parents may impliment this activity at home too! Use grocery shopping, cooking and other opportunities to learn more about how your daughter feels about her body while sharing your own thoughts about your own. Staying connected on this issue will help you to gauge where she is emotionally and to balance negative body image feelings with positive ones!

Ladon Brumfield
Founding Executive Director
Girls Rule!
www.girlz-rule.org

When Girls Are Ashamed of Their Bodies

by Carleton Kendrick Ed.M., LCSW


Afraid of the Beach

During my recent Cape Cod vacation, I rarely saw any less than lithe teenage girls on the beach. For five days I saw teenage girls of different shapes and sizes at the movies, malls, and mini-golf -- but only the lean and the shapely showed up in bathing suits at the beach. We've taught our girls to be ashamed of their less-than-perfect bodies. We've made them afraid of the beach.

Women agonize over revealing their swim-suited flesh. They are not comfortable with their adult female bodies. In preparation for summer, they advise their daughters to lose weight, wax their bikini lines, and select bathing suits that hide their "figure flaws." Beach ball-stomached men with spindly legs offer their sons no such summer warnings. The beach is not the enemy of boys and men.

Ill at ease

The only females on the beach at ease with their bodies all seemed to be under nine years of age. Even preadolescent girls consciously sucked in their slightly rounded stomachs, embarrassed by even the slightest appearance of any body fat. Serape-draped women anxiously shared their weight-loss plans as they read magazines promising "a slimmer summer body" and "how to be sexy after 40."

Men joked with each other about their beer bellies and sometimes attempted to retract them as a comely bathing beauty passed by. Their beach talk focused on the Red Sox' pennant chances. They seemed relaxed and happy.

Death, fear, and loathing

Several years ago, a woman's magazine surveyed thousands of women regarding body image. One of the survey's questions was whether they would choose death five years before they were destined to die if they could live the remainder of their lives as thin women. An overwhelming majority responded yes.

Women pass on desperate, shame-based feelings about their bodies to their daughters. This legacy of endless self-loathing, aided and abetted by omnipresent media images of unattainable womanly beauty, has resulted in our daughters' hating their bodies, falling prey to chronic eating disorders and far too often starving and bingeing themselves to death.

Like mother, like daughter

In order for daughters to be comfortable with their bodies, mothers can not be at war with theirs. Mothers must refrain from constantly, bitterly complaining about their weight and shape and obsessing about fat grams. Food must not be the enemy. Girls need to be taught to celebrate their bodies' individual strengths and vitality, regardless of their dress size. The numbers on a scale or the breadth of their hips must not determine their self-esteem.

More swim-suited adolescent girls of all sizes will begin to brighten the beach when their mothers begin to accept and respect their own bodies, freeing themselves and their daughters from the fear of fat. All our daughters deserve a day at the beach.

Parent ToolKit: Building Positive Self Image

Question: How do I help my 12-year-old daughter increase her self-esteem when my own is not that great?

Answer: Even though life experiences have not enabled you to feel positive self-esteem, you still can help others to build a positive image:

1. Compliment your daughter on the decisions that she makes. When she has a problem, help her to search for ways to deal with the situation, rather than taking over the problem and telling her what she should do.

2. Help her analyze her poor decisions so she can identify her mistakes and chart better courses of action.

3. Encourage your daughter to take positive risks such as trying out for a sport, attending a club, or volunteering to work on a special project. By taking these risks, she can gain the attention from others who can support you in your efforts to make her feel significant.

4. Teens feel most confident when they know they can make a difference -- that they can help others. Seek opportunities for her to show what she can do and where she can earn compliments from others, not just from her friends or her parents.

It's never too late to begin to find out just how great we really are. Make a list of your own strengths and find ways to use them more. Others will notice and value your contributions. Soon you'll be on the road to building your own self-esteem.