Question: How do I help my 12-year-old daughter increase her self-esteem when my own is not that great?
Answer: Even though life experiences have not enabled you to feel positive self-esteem, you still can help others to build a positive image:
1. Compliment your daughter on the decisions that she makes. When she has a problem, help her to search for ways to deal with the situation, rather than taking over the problem and telling her what she should do.
2. Help her analyze her poor decisions so she can identify her mistakes and chart better courses of action.
3. Encourage your daughter to take positive risks such as trying out for a sport, attending a club, or volunteering to work on a special project. By taking these risks, she can gain the attention from others who can support you in your efforts to make her feel significant.
4. Teens feel most confident when they know they can make a difference -- that they can help others. Seek opportunities for her to show what she can do and where she can earn compliments from others, not just from her friends or her parents.
It's never too late to begin to find out just how great we really are. Make a list of your own strengths and find ways to use them more. Others will notice and value your contributions. Soon you'll be on the road to building your own self-esteem.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Parent ToolKit: Building Positive Self Image
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Girls Rule! - Healthy Steps Toward Building Self Esteem
For Parents & Youth Service Providers
#1 Creating A Bill of Rights for Kids (K-8th Grade)
One of the reasons children often fail to stick up for themselves is simply because they're not clear about what they are entitled to expect from other people. It is worth helping school-age children compose a personal bill of rights so they can achieve some sense of clarity about this issue. Children need to decide what they are entitled to, what standards to maintain, and where the line falls between acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
Respect is a key component of assertiveness, but truly assertive behavior is not just about encouraging respectful behavior from others; it's also about demonstrating respect in your dealings with them. One of the benefits of taking the time to think about a personal bill of rights is that it also gives children clear guidelines as to how they can conduct themselves in ways that respect other people's rights, too.
When your child has come up with five to ten principles that he is happy with, take the time to type or write them out neatly. Perhaps you can even frame the document and put it up somewhere he will see it every day. Encourage your child to approach this task in his own way, but if the bill is to function as a useful benchmark for assertive behavior, it should probably include some of the following principles:
I have a right:
To say what I think
To express my feelings and wishes
To be treated with respect
To live my life without being bullied or manipulated
To be myself
To stick up for my rights
To respect the rights of others
To use my talents and abilities
To choose how I respond to other people
Keep in mind that the process of becoming more assertive and finding the delicate point between confidence and aggression is one that children can take a while to perfect. Sometimes the situations they encounter on the playground can challenge even the most assertive individual. Be on hand to provide extra support and coaching when needed.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Cruel Intentions Pt 2: Taking the Bully By the Horns
The news no parent wants to hear -- your daughter is behaving like a bully.
Bullying is defined as repeated exposure involving an imbalance of power-- from negative actions that are physical (hitting, kicking) or verbal (name-calling, threatening), to other behaviors such as obscene gestures or intentional exclusion.
The Buzz on Bullying:
- Bullies identified by age eight are six times more likely to be convicted of a crime by age 24 and five times more likely than non-bullies to end up with serious criminal records by the age of 30 (Maine Project Against Bullying);
- 60 percent of students characterized as bullies in grades 6-9 had at least one criminal conviction by age 24 (Banks, 2000);
- Bullying by girls is often more subtle and harder to detect than bullying by boys (NRCSS, 1999). Boys tend to use more physical aggression than girls do. Bullying by girls more often takes the form of teasing and social exclusion (Hoover & Oliver).
- Boys tend to bully both boys and girls, while girls are more likely to victimize other girls (Hoover & Oliver).
- Girls are more likely to bully in a group
Girls and all children for that matter bully for a variety of reasons. Some do it to feel powerful or in control. Others do it because they are bullied themselves. Some believe it will increase their status with peers. Often, children who bully have a difficult time empathizing with their victims.
It is perfectly natural for a parent to react defensively to news that their daughter is bullying others. No one wants to hear that their child is a bully. Yet, research shows that parental involvement is key to stopping the cycle.
When confronted with this news, it is important to emotionally neutralize the situation or discussion about your daughter’s behavior and so that you are in a position to process and actually hear what's being said. If you find yourself going into defense mode or feeling offended, try saying, "Instead of labeling my child, please tell me what happened." Make yourself really listen. Remember that this discussion is ultimately about the well-being of your daughter, regardless of how it’s being framed or how it may make you feel.
Even if your daughter is behaving aggressively or acting like a bully, remember that this behavior is probably coming from her feelings of vulnerability. You need to look for what is going on in her interactions with others and what is going on internally, causing her to behave that way.
In talking with your child, DO NOT BLAME. Do not get into a discussion about the "whys" of what happened. Your discussion should focus on several key points:
- Bullying is not acceptable in our family, the school or in society.
- If you are feeling frustrated, jealous, angry or aggressive, here are some things you can do.
- Help her to develop alternate strategies for dealing with her feelings.
- Remember to role-play, act out situations where she may become angry or frustrated and the new behaviors/strategies she will employ to deal with these feelings.
- Ask, how can I help you with this? Who could you go to in school if you see yourself getting into this type of situation again?
- Specify concretely the consequences if the aggression or bullying continue.
- You want to stop the behavior, understand your daughter's feelings, then teach and reward more appropriate behavior.
Other strategies that parents may employ if you suspect that your child is bullying include:
- Be a hands-on parent. Talk to your child and be ready to listen. Know who your child’s friends are. Monitor activities. Work with the school, and keep communication lines open. If they have a bullying prevention program, learn about it. One of the most important things that parents can do for their kids is to be involved.
- Decrease violence at home. Turn off violent TV and video games. But also, monitor your own behavior. What do you do when angry? What is it teaching your child?
- Teach positive behaviors. Reinforce kind, compassionate behavior. Teach empathy and provide opportunities for cooperation. Have your child care for a pet, and enroll your child in meaningful activities that cultivate talents and interests while fostering cooperation and friendship.
- Seek professional help, if needed. Sometimes a situation calls for more than parental intervention. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, bullying can be a sign of other serious antisocial or violent behavior, which can lead to future problems in school and with the law.
Bullies are made, not born. If left unchecked, bullying can lead to serious life-altering consequences. If your daughter has adopted bullying behaviors, you can help her turn things around and get back on a better track. So open those lines of communication. And don't forget to show some compassion along with that firm hand-- your child is watching.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Free American Girl Gift from the Girls Rule Bringin Books Back Book Store!
Join us for the official launch
of the
Monday, November 16, 2009
Register to receive your free gift
coupon code today!
** Cannot be combined with other free-book offers. Offer applies to qualified customer purchases of $25 or more. Offer may be discontinued at any time. Void if transferred, and where prohibited by law. Any other use constitutes fraud. Not redeemable for cash. Valid at www.girlz-rule.org.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Girls Rule! Bringin' Books Back Book Club Explores: To Kill A Mockingbird + A Girls Book Review
Girls Rule! (http://www.girlz-rule.org/) cordially invites you to attend the Bringin' Books Back Book Club power hour of fun, games and chat! Take a sneak peak at one of our meetings and check out our listing of future book selections(below)!
Join us on November 21, 2009 for engaging activities
and a fun chat about the book (drum roll please):
RSVP Today!
(see her book review below)
*******************************************************************************************
AN EXCITING, FUNNY, MYSTERIOUS STORY WITH
A SHOCKING ENDING!
Book Review by Miora B. (12 yrs)
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee is one of my FAV books right now! I picked up the book and could not put it down. It is so exciting! It's a book about a girl around my age, who finds herself in the middle of a huge mystery that has hit the southern town she lives in. I felt happy, sad, laughed out loud and had so many emotions while reading this book. It is an exciting, funny and mysterious story with a shocking ending!
November Book Of the Month
To Kill a Mockingbird
(suggested by Miora B, 12 y/o)
December Book of the Month
Pride and Prejudice
(suggested by Gabby B, 13 y/o)
Suggest a book! Email us at girlz@girlz-rule.org
Friday, October 16, 2009
SAVE THE DATE! Girls Rule To Launch Bringin' Books Back Book Store Featuring American Girl Publications!
For more information visit http://www.girlz-rule.org/
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Girls Rule! Parent ToolKit: Cruel Intentions - Taking the Bully by the Horns
What is bullying?
Simply put, bullying happens when a young lady’s peers intentionally and consistently hurt her emotionally, physically or verbally. Often times, bullying is mistaken for teasing. It is important to recognize the difference. Bullying is NOT teasing. Teasing can happen amongst friends, for instance with whom your child is on an equal plain. Bullying is frightening, humiliating, stressful and intimidating. Today, girl bullies are as commonplace in schools as boy bullies, however they utilize different methods. While some will spread gossip about other girls, or say unkind things to girls about their weight or overall appearance, other school girl bullies will tend to bully as a group, which gives the lead bully more control. Group bullying typically escalates into after school physical intimidation or fighting.
Following are a few helpful stats about bullying from the National Resource Center for Safe Schools:
- 160,000 students miss school every day due to fear of attack or intimidation by a bully; 7 percent of eighth-graders stay home at least once a month because of bullies
- Approximately 20 percent of students are scared throughout much of the school day
- 14 percent of 8th- through 12th-graders and 22 percent of fourth- through eighth-graders surveyed reported that “bullying diminished their ability to learn in school”
- 10 percent of students who drop out of school do so because of repeated bullying
- 30 percent of students who have been bullied do not tell anyone
Other interesting facts about bullying
- Bullying by girls is often more subtle and harder to detect than bullying by boys and includes social exclusion
- Girls are more likely to bully in a group
Prevention: Combat Bullying 101
Be Proactive
A significant number of girls who experience bullying suffer in silence due to feelings of shame, embarrassment or fear. When asked how their day was, they will respond with a customary, “Fine.” Try sharing a personal story about an experience you had with a bully when you were a child. This provides a wonderful opportunity to keep the door of communication open while also helping your child to understand that they are not alone. Don’t forget to share how your bullying situation made you feel and what strategies you used to overcome it, if any. Follow up by asking your child if she has ever been in a similar situation and listen. Another great strategy is to ask the question, “What made you upset, angry or sad today?” This unexpected question may yield a very candid answer. Be prepared to offer an understanding ear.
Take Your Child Seriously
When a girl opens up about having been bullied, the two biggest mistakes parents make are not taking their child’s complaints seriously and telling them to “toughen up,” and allowing the bullying to continue. While it is important to counsel children to develop strength for their journey, bullying behavior should never be tolerated. The two most important things you can do when they confide in you is to reassure your them that you understand their feelings and that you will do everything you can to keep them safe.
Gather the Facts
It is important to understand the circumstances around which your daughter is being bullied so that you may help her to create a plan to stop it. This information will also come in handy as you work together with the school, after-school or other program administrator to address it. You should ask:
- “What happened?”
- “Who did this?”
- “Where were you?”
- “Who was there?” “Were you alone?”
- “Has it happened before?” “How often?”
- “How does it start?”
- “What did you do?”
- “Do you think he’ll do it again?”
- “Did anyone help you?”
- “Did an adult see this?”
Make an Action Plan
Trends show that bullying starts in elementary school, peaks in middle school and begins to decrease in the 11th and 12th grades. Many girls many not be able to or feel comfortable handling bullying on their own: they need your help. Depending on her age and the bullying situation, here are a few tips to consider:
- Because bullying usually happens in unsupervised areas, suggest that your daughter stay near others at lunch, recess, in hallways, near lockers, parks, or while in other areas.
- Bully’s typically hone in on those who are by themselves so help your daughter to identify at least one supportive companion.
- When being bullied, emphasize that sometimes the best thing to do is leave the scene or walk towards an adult, crowd or older kids.
- Identify a trustworthy and discreet adult who can help your child when you’re not around. They must take this seriously, protect your child, and, if necessary, keep this role as protector confidential.
Teach Confident Verbal and Non-verbal Communication
Research finds that young ladies who learn how to be assertive and appear more confident are less likely to be targeted by bullies. Teach or enroll your daughter in a class that provides self confidence and presentation skill coaching so that they appear less afraid. Try showing your daughter how to use a stone-faced glare that looks straight through the bully. If she needs to respond to a bully verbally, demonstrate how to use a strong, firm voice to deliver short, direct messages such as: “No.” “Nope.” “Cut it out.” “Leave me alone.” “No way.” Remind her that crying, whining, insulting, or threatening only makes things worse. Bullies love knowing they can push one’s buttons. Create bullying situations that your daughter could potentially find herself in ( like in the restroom, lunchroom or on the playground) and act them out. Provide her with an opportunity to confidently walk away, speak, etc. so that she will feel self-assured if she is approached by the bully in the future.
Boost Self-confidence
•Being bullied dramatically affects your child’s self-esteem, so find activities, such as a hobby, sport , modeling, social grace or talent classes that your child enjoys and can excel at, to boost her confidence.
While you cannot fight all of your daughter’s battles, don’t hesitate to step in when needed. If there’s ever the possibility your child could be injured be sure to expand your action plan to include teachers, school or program administrators and other parents.
COMING NEXT WEEK:
Parent Toolkit: Cruel Intentions Part 2 - What To Do When Your Daughter Bullies Others.
COMING SOON:
7 Habits of Highly Effective Families
Friday, September 4, 2009
Things That Make You Go, Hmmm: The Great School Speech Debate of 2009
Of course, Obama is not the first President to speak directly to school children. In terms of our country's recent history, in October 2001, George W. Bush urged kids to donate a dollar to America’s Fund for Afghan Children. And in 1991, George H.W. Bush was criticized by Democrats for conducting a teleconference with students on the topic of math and science.
The backlash around this planned speech has come swiftly with a flurry of political accusations ranging from socialist tactics and using school aged children as lobbyists. It has also developed into a prickly issue for educators of our children.
This week local and suburban schools began using mass calling systems to inform parents of their intention to view the President's speech, distribute hard copies to students and/or to use this speech as a teaching opportunity. Due to the political sensitivity of this speech and to acknowledge parental desires and views, some are also sending parental consent forms home so that students may "opt out" of the activities.
In Chicago, at least; I find it interesting that our officials have endorsed using the "Birthday Sex" crooner as the face of it's back to school initiative without checks and balances from the community, but tip toes around whether to allow students to listen to a back to school speech from the President that encourages students to focus on their educational goals. Is it just me?
Submitted by: A Proactive Parent
CBS Evening News seeking support for local story about CPS school violence
Charlie Brooks, producer of the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric is seeking to interview a family who has a child in CPS who may be identified as one of the 1200 who could potentially be shot. CPS has allocated about $30 million dollars to this program to protect and prevent additional shootings of our CPS students this year. The program was announced yesterday.
CBS would like to follow a student to from home to school who fits this program and ask them and the parents how they feel about the program.
If you know of someone, who might be interested in being filmed for this story ( which will be shot and aired on Tuesday September 8th please have them contact Charlie Brooks at his office phone number 312 899 2121. Thank you.
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