The List: 101 Skills Every Girl Should Master Before Entering the 9th Grade

Update: "The List" was recently featured by Hermene Hartman, Editor of N'Digo Magazine during her daily segment, "Views From the Heart" on Chicago's V103.
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There's no getting around it. Mastery of life, social and communication skills are critically important to the self development of young ladies. The wonderful thing is that girls don't have to master them all at once. We can develop these skill-sets over time.

Here is our list of 101 Skills Every Girl Should Master Before Entering the 9th Grade. Some are tasks, some of skills....all are based upon and neatly woven into Girls Rule! programming for girls ages 7 - 18. Recognizing that all girls do not experience the same adult modeling, instruction or social, life and communication skills modeling, we have designed this list to meet girls where they are, addressing both remedial needs and advanced ones

Before entering the 9th grade, every young lady should be able to:
(Tasks listed are in no particular order and not all inclusive)

1. Respect adults



2. Disagree without being disagreeable



3. Properly groom her nails, hair and body from head to toe



4. Understand what her clothing and personal style choices tell the world about her



5. Hem a skirt/pants



6. Sort and wash clothing



7. Boil an egg



8. Navigate the public transportation system



9. Select the proper undergarment for her outfit



10. Listen to a friend



11. Master her emotions



12. Say no "gracefully"



13. Read a newspaper



14. Plan a meeting or gathering



15. Use a map



16. Answer the phone properly



17. Prepare her own breakfast



18. Say "please" and "thank you"



19. Handle conflict with poise and grace



20. Write a check



21. Set a table for a family or holiday gathering



22. Respect the role of teachers



23. Plan a schedule of weekly activities



24. Set goals



25. Pack her clothes for a three day trip



26. Create a budget



27. Calculate sales tax



28. Dress for her body type



29. Dress appropriately for formal, informal and casual events/activities



30. Properly use eating utensils



31. Make a dinner reservation



32. Read a bus or train schedule



33. Schedule a doctor appointment



34. Properly measure over the counter medication dosages



35. Attend church on their own



36. Complete a job application



37. Speak confidently and clearly



38. Register for summer employment



39. Take a proper telephone message



40. Write a 3 paragraph letter



41. Walk away from an argument



42. Know her clothing measurements



43. Read, write and understand how to use a table of contents



44. Properly count, fold and protect her own money



45. Shop for the best deal



46. Cook a balanced meal



47. Recite a prayer



48. Respect herself in all situations



49. Iron her own clothes



50. Clean out a refrigerator



51. Clean her room



52. Protect herself from an aggressor



53. Select ripe fruits and vegetables



54. Follow written and verbal instructions properly



55. Speak proper English



56. Understand how to read and pay a utility bill



57. Honor her word



58. Call or hail a cab when alone



59. Shop for groceries



60. Change a light bulb



61. Tell the truth



62. Properly dust furniture



63. Baby-sit younger siblings for a day or night



64. Make decisions that honor her body



65. Create a document on a computer



66. Understand formal, information and casual dining etiquette



67. Order breakfast, lunch or dinner from a menu



68. Perform CPR



69. Send a parcel post package



70. Wrap a gift



71. Lead a project or committee



72. Speak publicly



73. Re-sew a button onto a garment



74. Put on nylons without running them



75. Utilize library reference materials



76. Use a Thesaurus



77. Be a contributing team member



78. Resolve conflict non-violently



79. Deal effectively with various personality types



80. Trust and believe in herself



81. Respect others



82. Walk away from gossip



83. Deal with jealousy



84. Own her esteem



85. Navigate challenging situations



86. Open a savings account



87. Send a thank-you note



88. Be a gracious hostess



89. Attend school regularly without incident



90. Give a proper handshake



91. Be a respectful guest



92. Calculate the proper tip on a $25 bill



93. Mail a letter



94. Properly introduce herself to others



95. Understand when to use proper English vs Slang



96. Conduct herself properly at the Theater



97. Navigate social networking sites safely



98. Honor her values



99. Pick friends who enhance her life



100. Properly use a Dictionary



101. Calculate wages, taxes and a paycheck

What other skills do you feel are important for young ladies to master before entering the 9th grade?

Ladon Brumfield
Girls Rule!
Inspiring girls to blend...OUT!
http://www.girlz-rule.org/

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The Etiquette Imperative Parent ToolKit Series on Divorce and Separation: Separating with Respect and Honor

The frequency of divorce in modern society has not made the process any easier for those involved. The circumstances of separating and breaking off a marriage, however, still call for basic consideration, respect, and honesty.


The following etiquette issues frequently arise during a separation.


Telling others.

A separation is not publicly announced. A couple should explain the situation to family and close friends, and word will spread. If the couple reunites, there is no public announcement.


Names and rings.

The wife continues to use her husband's name (if she has taken it), and both spouses usually continue to wear their wedding rings.


Change of address.

If the separation is lengthy, the spouse who moves out of the home should give his or her new address and phone number to anyone who needs to know, such as an employer.


Social invitations.

The couple usually refuses any invitations addressed to "Mr. and Mrs." If they do attend the same social or business functions, they should behave as normally as possible and not draw others into their problems. Most adults make accommodations for separated couples by not inviting them both to the same social events. So don't get upset if mutual friends fail to include you in a party to which your spouse has been invited. Chances are, the friends are not choosing sides but are trying to avoid a difficult situation for everyone. Your time will probably come.

Eti-KID and Parent Tip of the Week - Dining Etiquette Tips

Dear Etiquette Imperative,

Is it still improper to have your elbows on the table when you are eating? We have two children; a 9 year old daughter & a son who is 10, who seem to think I'm crazy. Any other table manner advice you can give me would be well appreciated. We are trying to raise our children to have good table manners, but we are certainly no experts.

Signed,

Allison and Scott

Dear Allison and Scott,

Great question! You may be surprised to know that both you and the children are correct!

For informal dining situations, it's okay to rest an elbow on the table if you're not actually eating. But, if you're eating, then only rest the forearm or wrist on the edge of the table. One doesn't want to be hunched over their food. At formal functions, no elbows on the dining table.

Please consider telling your children that table manners are more than about proper eating; it's about being kind and considerate of others. Although you know that they are smart and nice, other people will judge them on how they present themselves. In the long run, etiquette and social grace mastery is another wonderful tool, that will help them to attain their dreams and ambitions!

Whether in a restaurant or in a home, here are some basic table manners to teach kids stated in ways that will help them to laugh AND learn:

1. Eat with a fork unless the food is meant to be eaten with fingers. Only babies eat with fingers.

2. Sit up and do not hunch over your plate; wrists or forearms can rest on the table, or hands on lap.

3. Don't stuff your mouth full of food, it looks kinda gross, and you could choke.

4. Chew with your mouth closed. This includes no talking with your mouth full.

5. Don't make any rude comments about any food being served. It will hurt someone's feelings.

6. Always say thank you when served something. Shows appreciation.

7. If the meal is not buffet style, then wait until everyone is served before eating. It shows consideration.

8. Eat slowly and don't gobble up the food. Someone took a long time to prepare the food, enjoy it slowly. Slowly means to wait about 5 seconds after swallowing before getting another forkful.

9. When eating rolls, tear off a piece of bread before buttering. Eating a whole piece of bread looks um...tacky.

10. Don't reach over someone's plate for something. Politely ask that the item to be passed to you. Shows consideration.

11. Do not pick anything out of your teeth, it's gross. If it bothers you that bad, excuse yourself and go to the restroom to pick.

12. Always use a napkin to dab your mouth, which should be on your lap when not in use. Remember, dab your mouth only. Do not wipe your face or blow your nose with a napkin, both are gross. Excuse yourself from the table and go the restroom to do those things.

13. When eating at someone's home or a guest of someone at a restaurant, always thank the host and tell them how much you enjoyed it. At least say that you liked the dinner or mention a specific item that was particularly tasty, i.e. the dessert was great. Again, someone took time, energy, and expense to prepare the food, so show your appreciation.

Thank you for your question!

Bon appetite!

Ladon Brumfield
Girls Rule!
The Etiquette Imperative
www.girlz-rule.org

Have an etiquette question? Email us at info@girlz-rule.org

Let's Get Moving! A Script for You to Use as You Practice Yoga with Your Child

Learn about some of the benefits of yoga as you and your child explore the following fun and simple yoga poses together: Here is what you might say to your child as you both practice yoga together!

■Breathing (Pranayama):
Every yoga class begins with a few quiet minutes to prepare the body and mind for the practice. Breathing helps our minds and bodies relax. Attention to the breath, while tuning out other sights and sounds, improves focus and concentration.

Tell your child: "Let's sit in a comfortable position. Close your eyes. Slowly, breathe in through your nose (pause), and out through your nose (pause). Breathe in through your nose (pause), and out through your nose (pause). Feel your body and mind getting ready for yoga. Slowly open your eyes."

■Downward Facing Dog Pose (Adho Mukha Svanasana):
This pose helps build strong muscles, flexibility of the joints and spine, and confidence in our body's ability to move in unique ways!

Tell your child: "Let's do the dog pose together." (Begin in an all-fours Position, (hands under shoulders, knees under hips. Curl your toes under, straighten your legs and then your arms. Hold this upside down V position for three breaths. Carefully return to all fours). Ask your child, "How does your body feel?"

■Child's Pose:
Poses such as this one massage our internal organs such as our brains, hearts, lungs, and stomachs, bringing fresh oxygen so they can work to their fullest capacity.

Tell your child: "Let's do the child's pose together." (Sit on your heels, lower your forehead to the ground and extend your arms way out in front of you.) Ask your child, "Did you feel your knees pushing on your belly? This pose helps your belly digest food better!"

■Vinyasas:
These are sequences of yoga poses, done without stopping. Vinyasas make our hearts beat faster which strengthens the heart muscle and gives us energy. Yoga pose sequences also help us practice motor planning skills or the skills needed to move different body parts so we can change positions.

Tell your child: "Let's put our downward facing dog and child poses together." (Begin with the dog pose, lower to all fours and move into the child's pose, return to all fours and then the dog pose, back to all fours and the child's pose. Rest here.) Find your child's pulse for him and then ask, "Do you feel your heart beating faster? It's getting stronger!"

■Tree Pose (Vrksasana):
Balancing poses, like the tree, improve our ability to focus, pay attention, and concentrate for longer and longer periods of time.

Tell your child: "Imagine you are a tall tree with roots growing out the bottoms of your feet. Let's do the tree balance together. (Begin in a standing position with palms touching and thumbs resting on your heart). Shift your weight to your left leg and slowly raise your right foot to your ankle, shin, or inner thigh with your knee facing out. Slowly return your foot to the floor and repeat on the other side.) Ask your child, "Was one side easier than the other? Balancing poses take practice and you will get better and better!"

■Partner and Family Poses:
Doing poses together will help your child build relationship skills and will be loads of fun for both of you!

Tell your child: "Let's do the Mommy/Daddy dog and puppy poses. I will be the Mommy/Daddy dog and you be the puppy." (You assume the dog pose and instruct your child to crawl under you. Then have her do the dog pose and turn her head to the side to face yours. Then rub noses together.)

■Make Up Poses Together:
Yoga for kids should be creative. Encourage your child to make up new poses and name them. This is great for practicing language skills. Make the animal sounds. Use natural gestures, too. Hop like a bunny and slither like a snake.

■Relaxation Pose (Shavasana):
This special pose is done at the end of every yoga class, but can be done anytime of the day or night to help us relax.

Tell your child: "Let's do the relaxation pose together." (Lie on your backs,
palms at your sides facing up, legs fall off to the sides). "Close your eyes.
Focus on your breath moving in and out of your nose. Feel your belly rising and
falling." (To help your child relax in this pose, play soft music and dim the
lights. You might try an eye pillow to block out the light and a gentle foot or
hand massage with light cream.) Ask your child, "How do you feel?"

■Namaste:
After the relaxation pose, it is traditional to return to a sitting position, bring your palms together with thumbs touching your heart, and making eye contact and smiling with each other, saying the word, "Namaste," Namaste is a Sanskrit word that means, "the light in you sees the light in me" or more simply, "we are all special." This simple greeting teaches all of us about respect.

Courtesy of PBS Kids!

All About National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month!

Why A National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month?

In the past four decades, obesity rates in the United States have soared among all age groups. This rise in obesity rates has affected our youth in alarming fashion. Childhood obesity has increased more than fourfold among those ages 6 to 11. Over 23 million children and teenagers in the United States ages 2 to 19 are obese or overweight, a statistic that health and medical experts consider an epidemic. And this epidemic puts nearly one third of America’s children at early risk for Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease and even stroke – conditions usually associated with adulthood. Even greater disparities exist among young Hispanics and children of color.

But there are opportunities every day to change these trends. And this September, Girls Rule! will take this extraordinary opportunity to work with youth, parents and child care workers to build awareness and take action – nationally, as well as in our respective states, cities, workplaces and most importantly, in our homes.


September 2010 is the first-ever Childhood Obesity Awareness Month

We are calling national attention and action to this epidemic. It is your opportunity to unite with leaders in the White House and Congress, with the Governor of your state and Mayor of your city, Girls Rule! and with all in your community who care about our youth and the health of our nation today and tomorrow. Here are some highlights:

►Congress has officially proclaimed September 2010 as National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month. Other national, state, and city leaders are called on to support and observe the month.

►Organizations around the United States will plan and carry out activities that build awareness about and encourage action on childhood obesity.

►And individuals – we hope you – will take steps within your family, on your block, in your community to help reverse the rise of childhood obesity. Every person in the U.S. can be an important part of Childhood Obesity Awareness Month by taking small steps that add up to a big difference: Eating more balanced meals and snacks, engaging in physical activity more regularly, and sharing your personal plan and commitment with family and friends of all ages.

Why This Website?

The Girls Rule! Blog has committed itself to provide information, Web links and tools to promote and celebrate September as National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month. Look forward to partnering together with you as we work together create a healthier future for our most important resource: our children.

Check back soon for more updates and please spread the word!

Ladon Brumfield
Executive Director
Girls Rule!
http://www.girlz-rule.org/
312-479-0789

Why "Father's Day" Doesn't Mean That Much to Me - A Divorced Father's Reawakening

This week; in acknowledgement of Father's Day, Girls Rule! will feature stories written by fathers. Please enjoy this series.

Why "Father’s Day" Doesn’t Mean That Much to Me
By Joel Schwartzberg

Joel Schwartzberg is a nationally-published personal essayist and author of The 40-Year-Old Version, an award-winning collection of essays about fatherhood. He has three children — a son and twin daughters.

Father’s Day — at least as Hallmark and Wikipedia define it — doesn’t mean all that much to me, even though being a dad is one of the most important jobs I have.

For one thing, consider Father’s Day’s most obvious icons: golf-themed ice cream cakes, unmatchable gift ties and greeting cards that emphasize our laziness, our inattentiveness or our proximity to senility. June’s third Sunday is not so much a celebration of dads as it is a snarky toast to the lesser parent.

I personally celebrate Father’s Day every Saturday. My kids — a son, 9, and twin 6-year-old girls — and I call it “Lazy Dadurday”; the courts call it “shared custody.” But in many ways my fatherhood was born years after my three children were. My divorce forced me to be the dad I am, a separate entity from the dad everyone from my ex-wife to Dr. Phil expected me to be.

Last Father’s Day, about a year into my separation, I felt like the parental version of the former planet Pluto, suddenly demoted and now orbiting at the farthest, coldest point. I couldn’t tell if I was fathering my children well. I couldn’t even tell if they were loving me back.

But one night in my apartment, while one of my daughters was snuggling to sleep with her “sniff shirt” (a worn blouse my ex-wife routinely packed for her), her twin sister looked up at me with her big, almost completely round eyes and asked for a “daddy sniff shirt.”

I was about to grab one off a hanger, then opted for the hamper.

She brought the t-shirt to her nose, took in a deep smell and crinkled her nose.

“Too stinky?” I asked.

“No. I like it.”

Seeing her asleep with her daddy sniff shirt pressed to her face was the beginning of my re-education and re-empowerment as a father. It helped me realize that my children have one and only one dad, no matter what happens. That they have two homes: one with their mom and one with their dad. That they don’t just visit me; they live with me.

That day, even in its waning hours, became my first true Father’s Day.

I’ve since developed a fully grown inner dad, one who tells me when it’s OK to let my son stay up late, and when it’s not; when it’s appropriate to be interrupted on the phone by a whining daughter, and when it’s not; when a tense situation calls for stern rules, or just an all-out, no-shoes family wrestling match.

My inner dad tells me I don’t have to entertain my children with amazing spectacles every weekend. We sleep late on Saturday mornings and chomp homemade pancakes while watching kid movies on the DVR. We have scavenger hunts at Kmart, vote on car radio stations and play UNO until we’re all bleary eyed and their small fingers are tired from holding massive fans of cards.

Every so often I dump a soft hill of brown and black dress socks over their heads like leaves, and they delight in matching and folding them. My girls in particular love organizing my vitamins into their little plastic rooms in my pillbox. They approach the task with the focus of FDA scientists.

Under my watch, my kids learned how to pet an old cat, how to toss a Frisbee, and how charcoal needs to form a tight pyramid to keep its heat. Sure, we go to the movies from time to time and do other extravagant things, but we do them at our own pace, at our own discretion and for no other reason than that we all enjoy doing them together.

Once, on the drive back to their mother’s house, my girls played with two animal dolls in the back of the car.

"This one will be the mommy, and this one will be the baby," one said.

"But where is the daddy?" the other asked innocently, as she does all things.

"It’s OK. They can be divorced."

At a red light, I glanced in the mirror over at my son. With his sixth sense, he instinctively looked up from his Goosebumps novel.

I said impulsively and assuredly, "Nothing makes me happier than being your dad.”

As the light turned green, my son smiled and gave the most deeply satisfying and affirming reply I could hope for.

"I know."

A Dad's View: Learning to Ride a Bike - Nudge or Let it Happen?

This week; in acknowledgement of Father's Day, Girls Rule! will feature stories written by fathers. Please enjoy this series.

Learning to Ride a Bike - Nudge or Let it Happen?
by Mark Trainor

I remember exactly when I learned to ride a bike. I was six, and I made it from the garage to the backyard without training wheels. A great memory. My wife doesn't know exactly when she learned. I think that difference explains how we felt about helping our daughter learn to ride a bike. I didn't believe it was going to happen without some nudging, she thought it was a matter of just letting it happen.

Balancing on two wheels is a pretty improbable thing for anyone to do, much less a seven-year-old. As a parent, it reminded me of her walking, nighttime potty training and swimming. You struggle to keep the anxiety out of your voice when you say, "You'll get it, honey. Really you will." It's just hard to see the steps that are going to move her from not knowing how to knowing. And not all kids get it at the same time. Our daughter has friends who've been riding on two wheels since PreK. Did they learn early because their parents effectively nudged them toward it or because their parents just let it happen?

I don't know what I imagined would happen if she never learned to ride a bicycle. A circle of children pointing and laughing? An awkward silence when the question inevitably came up in her Harvard admissions interview? Not being able to take a bicycle tour through Napa Valley with a future partner? Not my daughter!

There are a few different ways to teach a kid to ride. You can do the training wheels, bending them up more and more until they're unnecessary. Sounds great in theory, didn't work for us in practice. You can lower the seat so her feet can touch the ground flat and let her coast downhill until she gets her balance right. Depends on how hilly the area you live in is. We had to settle for a flat length of sidewalk. And what we always hung up on was that first launching, that leap of faith that is pushing hard enough on one pedal to achieve the speed needed to balance at the risk of a bruising fall. When I looked at it from her point of view, I wouldn't have been too eager either.

Throughout summer we suggested, as gingerly as possible, playing on the bike. We tried everything, and were still left, as winter settled in, without much progress. My wife and I watched as she sheepishly teetered and made endless adjustments to the position of the leading pedal. As she grew more and more frustrated, I said, "Come on, one big push." My wife said, "Maybe we should take a break." I conceded and turned toward the house. My daughter didn't. With one somewhat-large push, she lurched forward and managed to get her feet on the pedals for two rotations, after which she caught herself before she fell over. Amid whoops and cheers, she tried two more times without as much success. The last time she pushed the bike to the ground and stormed inside.

There weren't many chances to ride over the snowy East Coast winter. It was months before she said she wanted to try her bike. I hauled it out of the garage, got the helmet and returned to the scene of the autumn's frustration. How long would it take, I wondered, to even get back to that point where she'd been willing to take the leap of faith just those couple of times? She climbed on, dithered over how her pedals were positioned, and picked up right where she'd left off. Two full rotations, then she caught herself from falling. I should have cheered or clapped, but I was a little stunned. And then she rode down the block. When her mom came home she showed her again and again (and again and again...)

I'm not ready to embrace the "just let it happen" philosophy entirely. Someone has to say, "Hey, remember that bicycle in the garage?" Someone has to say, "Try again." But I realize now that when it comes to leaps of faith, I ought to have taken my own advice. Beneath her fear and frustration — which were more than evident through those months — was a process far less evident: a simple coming together of coordination, determination and confidence, a private schedule that will not be hurried. You just have to keep offering the opportunity — that's the nudge — and bring your faith that however improbable it seems, it someday will just happen.


Mark Trainer is a writer who lives in Washington, DC with his wife and two children. He is working on a collection of short stories about fatherhood. You can follow him on Twitter at @marktrainer.

Parent ToolKit: When (NOT) Helping Sends the Wrong Message

It's 9:20 in the morning on a Tuesday, and the texts start rolling in.

Madeleine: mom.

Me: (unaware of my cell phone which I have turned to silent while I'm on another call)

Madeleine: MOM. do u know where my safety patrol belt is?

Me: (still not getting the message)

Madeleine: MOM!!! can u find it and bring it to me right now???????? i have a meeting at 10 and i have to have it. PLEASE!!!

I finally got this strange feeling--was it all the "yelling" in capital letters?--and got up and checked my cell phone. And to be totally honest, reading through those highly punctuated texts, I had mixed feelings.

My normal response to this kind of I-forgot-something hysteria is to reply with something reasonable, executed without excessive emotion (most of the time): I'm sorry, but that sounds like a personal problem. If you want to keep track of your safety patrol belt, I'm happy to help you come up with a system when you get home.

I know, no awards for sensitivity, but it covers the you-have-to-be-responsible-for-your-own-stuff bases nicely, don't you think?

Lately, however, I've been second guessing this hold-the-line approach, mostly because I'm watching Madeleine execute this same style of boundary heavy behavior on Carter and her friends when they are struggling to compensate for their own forgetfulness or normal kid mistakes. I'm watching her deliver these perfectly reasonable speeches about what she's willing to be responsible for (or not) and something inside me starts to cringe.

It's not that I don't want her to master personal responsibility--believe me, I do. I'm just wondering if I'd do her a better service by trying to develop another side of her character in situations like this. What if I dove in more and offered a heavier dose of compassion in addition to a helping hand? Which lesson would be more valuable in the long run? Knowing it's your own fault when you mess up and being willing to absorb all the difficulties that go with that? Or being more aware that when you make a mistake, you can always reach out because someone you love will be there to help you?

I know the answer is somewhere in the happy middle, but recently I've been experimenting with a sharp course correction in the other direction: zero judgment, more assistance and lots of compassion. I'm hoping that this might generate a little bit more connection, the next time someone smaller around here (or bigger!) needs some mercy over not being able to get it together.

So.

Yesterday I decided to give finding the belt an honest effort and when it was nowhere to be found twenty minutes later, I texted back.

Me: Sorry, babe. Not seeing it anywhere. We can look together when you get home.

She was fine with that, and when she got home after school, that's exactly what we did.

I think I'll always be the get-it-together, do-not-complain-to-me-because-you-lost-it kind of hard liner with my kids simply because I do not want to be raising kids who are helpless or irresponsible, but maybe it's okay to also send the message that I'm here to pick up the pieces--especially during those times when our kids are already dealing with the disappointment or shame of not doing well in the first place.

What do you think? Do you run your kids lunches to school when they forget them? Do you drop off the missing gym clothes? Or do you hold the line? I'd like to know.

Parent Toolkit: Affirmations - Teach Your Daughter This Powerful Skill

Positive self-talk, or affirmations, are a powerful skill that can boast and protect self-esteem even in the most trying times. Affirmations don’t have to be elaborate. Even a simple 1 to 5 word affirmation will work.

“Yes, I can do this.” "DREAM!" "My future is full of potential. I will make no small plans." Works wonders when you are faced with a new challenge.

So, how do you convince your daughter that this works and it isn’t ‘stupid’ to talk to yourself?

Easy, model the behavior. This means you will need to develop some affirmations and speak them out loud when you need them. Here are a few affirmations to get you started. Your tween or teen will at some point ask what you are doing. She may even roll their eyes when you explain and suggest she try it sometime. Most, however, will try it the next time you aren’t looking.

Have an affirmation to share with others? Share it in the space below!

Ladon Brumfield
Executive Director
Girls Rule!
http://www.girlz-rule.org/

Obese Kids More Vunerable to Bullies

(Health.com) -- Children in Grades 3 through 6 who are obese are more likely to be bullied than their normal-weight peers, a new study has found.

No one who has attended grade school -- or who has even the slightest familiarity with children -- will be surprised by these findings. What is surprising, however, is that obese children are bullied more often even if they possess qualities that can discourage bullies, such as having good social skills or doing well in school.

STORY HIGHLIGHTS
Obese kids bullied more often even if they have qualities
that can discourage bullies
Being overweight and being bullied may share a
common, underlying cause
One reason for bullying may be that kids are
imitating adult behavior

"When we started this study, I really suspected that we might find that the obesity or overweight might not be the driving force," says the lead author of the study, Julie Lumeng, M.D., a professor of pediatrics at the University of Michigan, in Ann Arbor. "What we found is that it didn't matter. No matter how good your social skills, if you were overweight or obese you were more likely to be bullied."

In the study, which appears this week in the journal Pediatrics, Lumeng and her colleagues followed more than 800 children -- all born in 1991 -- from 10 cities across the U.S. When the children were in the third, fifth, and sixth grades, the researchers surveyed teachers, mothers, and the children themselves about whether they were bullied, and also surveyed the adults about the children's social skills. They then compared these responses with the children's body mass index, a simple ratio of height and weight.

Overall, kids who were obese were 65 percent more likely to be bullied than their peers of normal weight; overweight kids were 13 percent more likely to be bullied, although that finding was not statistically significant, the study notes. This pattern persisted even when the researchers took into account other factors that are associated with both obesity and being bullied, such as coming from a low-income family or doing poorly in school.

Health.com: 10 habits of healthy families

Still, the findings don't rule out the possibility that being overweight and being bullied share a common, underlying cause, says Matthew N. Davis, M.D., a primary care physician and the director of the C.S. Mott Children's Hospital National Poll on Children's Health.

"There's always been the question in the back of people's minds about whether there was another factor involved which was related to both bullying and obesity," says Davis, who was not involved in Lumeng's study.

Sylvia Rimm, Ph.D., a clinical professor at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, in Cleveland, Ohio, suggests that the low self-esteem of overweight children may make them targets for their peers.

Rimm, who wasn't involved in the study, surveyed thousands of middle-school children for a 2004 book, "Rescuing the Emotional Lives of Overweight Kids." "Kids who considered themselves very overweight not only were bullied, but...indicated more loneliness, saw themselves as troublemakers, and saw themselves as sad, fearful, and wimpy," she says. "They really have huge struggles."

One reason that children might be more apt to pick on their overweight classmates is that they are taking after adults, says Davis.

"Children pick up behaviors from adults, so we always have to keep in mind how we're modeling respect for others around multiple issues, including weight," he says. "Imagine how many signals kids get about weight just by hearing conversations by adults or seeing advertisements on TV. The messages are everywhere in terms of trying to control weight and be a different size than you are right now."

Wendy Craig, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Queens University in Kingston, Ontario, says that bullying and obesity are both major public health concerns that teachers and schools -- and not just parents -- need to address.

Health.com: 20 easy meals for families to enjoy together

Teachers "are like social architects," says Craig, who has studied bullying for more than a decade but wasn't involved in the current study. "They set the tone for what's acceptable. Teachers reinforce these messages every day in their classroom when they interact with kids."

In fact, positive interactions with parents may help prevent bullying in the first place, according to another new study, presented today at the annual meeting of the Pediatric Academic Societies in Vancouver, B.C.

In that study, researchers at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center analyzed data from the 2007 National Survey of Children's Health, which included more than 45,000 parents of children between the ages of 10 and 17.

Children whose parents shared ideas and talked often with them were about 40 percent less likely to bully other children compared to the children of parents who said they didn't do those things regularly. On the other hand, the children of parents who said they are often angry with them or who feel bothered by them were up to three times more likely to be bullies, according to the study.

Interestingly, previous studies have suggested that obese children are more likely to bully others, in addition to being the victims of bullying. One possible explanation for this, Lumeng says, is that children who have difficulty staying calm and controlling their impulses to lash out at others may also have a hard time regulating their eating, and may eat for emotional reasons rather than out of hunger.

Health.com: Is it baby fat or obesity?

Overweight children are caught in a vicious circle of self-destructive behavior, Rimm says. "They're inactive, and they're sad kids, and they use eating as gratification," she says. "Of course, the effect is that continued eating is almost their only source of satisfaction, and so it's a terrible cycle."

Protecting overweight kids -- socially and physically --requires helping them break this cycle, Rimm adds.

"A key thing is to discover their strengths and get them involved and active in extracurricular activities," she says. "If they concentrate only on their weight, they're not going to build confidence."

Parent ToolKit: How to Help Your Middle School Child Survive Peer Pressure

So your tween is in Middle school now. They will have alot of changes to deal with during the transition, of being your little boy or girl, to becoming an individual of their own.
When kids reach this point of their lives, fitting in somewhere is very important to them. They tend to identify more with peers then with family. What their "friends" think is all important in this new world of theirs. How can you help counter-act the negative peer pressure they will have to deal with?

Things You'll Need:
•Patience (and alot of it)
•A willingness to listen to your childs concerns
•Alot of unconditional love and forgiveness when you child gives in to the peer pressure.

Step 1
You will find that the average middle schooler is a slave to what their peers think about them. As a rule, what you think has moved to the back shelf. Don't get upset with your child this is pretty normal. What you do to help them make right choices will make all the difference in the world. First encourage your child and their friends to hang out at your house. That way you know where they are and what they're doing. Always make it a pleasant place for the kids by keeping munchies around and giving them a little "space". Not to much but enough so they can giggle and gossip.

Step 2
Make sure you have reasonable age appropriate boundaries in place for your child to be able to lean back on when they feel pressured to do something they know is wrong. Saying "no way my mom would kill me" is a way out for kids when the pressure is on.

Girl Rule Book of the Day!
American Girl's Smart Girl's Guide to Middle School
Middle school is all about change. This book, filled with tips and quizzes, will help girls feel more confident as they anticipate and adjust to the changes of middle school.

Step 3
Encourage your child to invite friends to do fun things like going to the beach or horseback riding. Whatever they enjoy doing. Be the parent that provides transportation most of the time. So even the kids are just going to a movie you will be there to pick them up. It can help keep them from doing foolish things and ending up in trouble.

Step 4
Get to know the parents of your child's friends that way you will have access to information about what your child is doing when at their friends houses.

Step 5
Last but not least, Be patient and forgiving when your kid makes a mistake due to poor judgement. Remember this is a child and they really don't have alot of wisdom developed yet. Keep in mind that they will grow up one day and will be much wiser then today.

Ladon Brumfield
Girls Rule!
http://www.girlz-rule.org/

A Smart Girl's Guide to Dealing With Middle School Boys

Anyone who has survived middle school will probably tell you that it's one of the most challenging phases of your life. In addition to the physical changes that accompany this time, there are also behavioral changes that are sometimes negative. While both boys and girls can develop a mean streak in middle school, boys often do so rather overtly-with loud, distracting and attention-seeking behavior.

Step 1
Give a disinterested reaction to teasing. Middle school boys are notorious for teasing their classmates. People often advise that the best reaction is to "just ignore" a person that teases you, but this can sometimes increase the level of teasing. The best reaction is to simply roll your eyes or shake your head to communicate that the teaser isn't even worth a full reaction.

Step 2
Talk to them. Sometimes middle school boys are simply insecure and what they really seek is your attention and approval rather than your nervous breakdown. Whether your goal is their acceptance as a friend, to get them to stop teasing you or to get one to ask you out, it helps to get the conversation ball rolling. This often breaks down barriers and reduces hostility.

Step 3
Remember the often-frustrating behavior of middle school boys is temporary. Although middle school boys can sometimes seem like wild animals let out of their cages, this behavior dissipates rapidly within a few years. By the time you reach high school, the same boy who teased you in middle school might be the one who asks you for help in Algebra or asks you to be his date for the dance.

Step 4
Get educated on the definitions of harassment and bullying. Some of these steps can help you cope with minor teasing from middle school boys, but harassment and bullying are different and much more serious issues. Read up on the definitions of verbal, physical and sexual harassment; and notify a parent, teacher or counselor if you're a victim of any of these behaviors.

Got a tip or question? Share it with us at info@girlz-rule.org today!

National Bar Assn Youth Law Camp - Apply today!

The National Bar Association is seeking applicants for the Crump Law Camp which was established for students entering the 9th through 11th grades and between the ages of 14 and 17 to introduce them to the judicial system. The goal of the NBA camp is to encourage young people at an early age to become lawyers and seek legal careers in the future.

By 2050 more than half of the people in this country will be of color. More than 90% of the nation’s lawyers are white, as are more than 80% of the students enrolled in law school. Yet more than 30% of the United States is comprised of people of color. The NBA is seeking applicants to attend this camp from every ethnic group and its selection process is non-discriminatory.

The first inaugural two week camp was held during the summer at Howard University School of Law through a grant by the Ford Motor Company Fund in 2001. Campers were and will be housed on the Howard University campus and live in a protected camp environment. Open enrollment is available to students across the country but emphasis will be on enabling students from low income families to attend.

Tuition for the camp will vary depending upon family income. The tuition covers transportation to and from Washington, D.C.; housing; meals; educational materials; and expenses for field trips. The camp provides students with an exciting academic and social agenda in the Washington, D. C. area. The competitive highlight of the camp is the Evett L. Simmons Mock Trial Competition. The four winners of this competition are invited to the NBA’s Annual Convention.

Camp begins July 11, 2010. Applications are available on the NBA website is www.Nationalbar.org and are to be mailed to the following address:

National Bar Association Crump Law Camp
P.O. Box 1048
Washington, D.C. 20008
(301) 249-8355
http://www.national bar.org/lawcamp/ index.shtml

What do you think? Should Schools Bribe Kids for Grades?

Should Schools Bribe Kids for Grades?

Ladon Brumfield
Founding Executive Director
Girls Rule!
www.girlz-rule.org
312-479-0789

Parent ToolKit: Dealing with Puberty - A Father's Personal Nightmare

Question: I am a single father (widowed) raising a beautiful 11 year old daughter who has - against my wishes, "hit" puberty. How do I help her to understand and to feel comfortable discussing the emotional and physical changes her body is going through, when I don't understand them myself?

Answer: Congratulations! You're about to deal with something that most dads spend a lot of time worrying about. Luckily, though, it really isn't all that bad.

First of, let's recognize that women's bodies have always been something of a mystery to most men and it's perfectly normal to be confused, embarrassed, or even somewhat put off by your daughter's physical changes or the idea of discussing them with her.

Now that you've acknowledged that this will be a learning experience for the both of you, do a little research so that you are prepared for her questions. To start with, you should learn a little about girls' puberty. That way if you ever need to talk to your daughter about it you'll sound a little more knowledgeable.

Somewhere between ages of 8 and 14 the process will start. Your daughter will start to develop breasts, she'll start growing hair on her genitals and under her arms, her skin may start breaking out, and eventually she'll start menstruating. The whole process usually takes from 18 months to as long as 7 or 8 years to complete. If your daughter seems to be starting puberty at the very early end of the age range or hasn't started by the end of the range, have a talk with her pediatrician.

Ask your daughter whether she has any questions about what's going on and let her know that she can ask you anytime she wants to talk. She'll probably be far too self-conscious to discuss those intimate details with "dad," but having made the offer will let her know that you care--and that's the most important thing. You should also consider obtaining some books on the subject -- some for her and some for you!

Consider introducing your daughter to a book like, "The Care & Keeping Of You: The Body Book For Girls" by American Girl - or other fun, engaging and informative guides that answer all of the questions growing girls have about their bodies—from hair care to healthy eating, bad breath to bra buying, pimples to periods. These books are great to read together and provide a less stressful or akward opportunity to discuss the changes she may be experiencing.

If you sense that your daughter isn't getting the information she needs offer to put her in touch with an adult female friend or relative she might feel more comfortable talking to.

During this time of change recognize that it may be exciting, but also stressful to her. Your daughter may feel fat, embarrassed, and uncomfortable in her new body. She may be constantly comparing her rate of development to that of her girl friends and, if she's started early, she may have to deal with some increased attention from boys. If you sense that your daughter is stressed but isn't ready to talk with you about the changes she is experiencing, consider presenting her with a journal so that she may write about them. There are wonderful journaling books available for girls, such as; "The Care & Keeping Of You Journal" which is an interactive journal that allows girls to record their moods, track their periods, and keep in touch with their overall health and well-being. Tips, quizzes, and checklists help girls understand and express what’s happening to their bodies—and their feelings about it.


Just like when she was three, your daughter needs to know what she's going through is normal and that you, the most important male figure in her life, love her. Please remember that if you push her away because you'd rather not deal with this uncomfortable season, no matter how good your intentions, she's going to feel rejected and bad about herself.

Enjoy this journey together...ultimately she will love and appreciate you for it.

Have a question? Email it to use at Girlz@girlz-rule.org

Parent Toolkit: Differing Opinions, Rebellion and Loss of Parental Control Are Good Things?

Growing up means becoming one's own person. With that come differing opinions, rebellion, and loss of complete parental control. The humorous thing is that when daughters begin to exhibit this perfectly natural behavior, many of us cringe! Life was simpler when they didn't question our authority.

Preadolescence, a Preview of What's to Come
Somewhere between 10 and 11 years old, Sally develops the ability to see things from different points of view—hers included. More and more she will begin evaluating Mom's opinions and how they stack up with her own. This ability to begin to see things from different points and return to the original is called "reversibility thinking."

It may be comforting to keep in mind that much of that original opinion may be made up of the values and ideals little Sally has been raised to believe in before this new era of independent analysis.

Adolescence, Agony, and Ambivalence
The onset of puberty, adolescence, and moral independence is a particularly precarious time for daughters and an era of trauma for their mothers. Once this phase sprouts into full bloom an outgoing, productive Sally can turn into a frustrating, sulky, self-centered young teenager.

Matrophobia, or the fear of becoming like one's mother, is particularly prevalent in adolescence. In fact, it is so common in Western culture that many experts consider it normative behavior.

Building Blocks

Matrophobia is the fear of becoming like one's mother or emulating her basic characteristics. If the fear is particularly potent, a woman may estrange herself from her mother in order to establish her own identity.

The Adolescent Self
All of the sudden sociological (magazine and media ads) and biological (hormonal) forces are demanding that Sally focus on a physical presence that is attractive to the opposite sex. According to Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., author of A Woman's Book of Life, these forces are so powerful that a happy, well-adjusted young girl may become confused and ambivalent over who she was and who she is supposed to be. The pushes and pulls to strengthen "the power to be or the power to please" can, Borysenko claims, exacerbate the onset of depression.

The whole idea of "self versus others" makes the young woman in transition feel conflicted by family pressures, the influence of friends, and pride in her own independence. If she feels guilty for the pride and satisfaction she feels in her own independence, there is a risk she might forego her own attitudes, desires, and opinions in favor of the posture of peacekeeper. Borysenko warns that the role of peacekeeper is performed by connecting with others but excluding oneself. She says that society reinforces this because we grow up with the belief that a good woman is not selfish.

Women who grow up and deny their own identities to win favor of others miss out on the cornerstone of intimacy and mature love, a hearty dose of self-respect.

Woman to Woman

Did you know...

FACT: Approximately 95 percent of those who suffer bulimia or anorexia are females. Only 5 to 10 percent are males. A study by the American Association of University Women reported some disturbing findings that clearly show how self-image diminishes as girls grow. Sixty percent of elementary school girls in the study said they felt happy with themselves. This number fell to half of that, 30 percent, by high school. Sadly enough, 10 percent of American women are reported to starve, binge, or purge themselves. This number doubles to 20 percent during adolescence. And as if that weren't troubling enough, nearly 15 percent of anorexic women die.

During each Girls Rule! meeting, we incorporate health and well-being activities with regular discussions about our feelings and body image. Parents may impliment this activity at home too! Use grocery shopping, cooking and other opportunities to learn more about how your daughter feels about her body while sharing your own thoughts about your own. Staying connected on this issue will help you to gauge where she is emotionally and to balance negative body image feelings with positive ones!

Ladon Brumfield
Founding Executive Director
Girls Rule!
www.girlz-rule.org

When Girls Are Ashamed of Their Bodies

by Carleton Kendrick Ed.M., LCSW


Afraid of the Beach

During my recent Cape Cod vacation, I rarely saw any less than lithe teenage girls on the beach. For five days I saw teenage girls of different shapes and sizes at the movies, malls, and mini-golf -- but only the lean and the shapely showed up in bathing suits at the beach. We've taught our girls to be ashamed of their less-than-perfect bodies. We've made them afraid of the beach.

Women agonize over revealing their swim-suited flesh. They are not comfortable with their adult female bodies. In preparation for summer, they advise their daughters to lose weight, wax their bikini lines, and select bathing suits that hide their "figure flaws." Beach ball-stomached men with spindly legs offer their sons no such summer warnings. The beach is not the enemy of boys and men.

Ill at ease

The only females on the beach at ease with their bodies all seemed to be under nine years of age. Even preadolescent girls consciously sucked in their slightly rounded stomachs, embarrassed by even the slightest appearance of any body fat. Serape-draped women anxiously shared their weight-loss plans as they read magazines promising "a slimmer summer body" and "how to be sexy after 40."

Men joked with each other about their beer bellies and sometimes attempted to retract them as a comely bathing beauty passed by. Their beach talk focused on the Red Sox' pennant chances. They seemed relaxed and happy.

Death, fear, and loathing

Several years ago, a woman's magazine surveyed thousands of women regarding body image. One of the survey's questions was whether they would choose death five years before they were destined to die if they could live the remainder of their lives as thin women. An overwhelming majority responded yes.

Women pass on desperate, shame-based feelings about their bodies to their daughters. This legacy of endless self-loathing, aided and abetted by omnipresent media images of unattainable womanly beauty, has resulted in our daughters' hating their bodies, falling prey to chronic eating disorders and far too often starving and bingeing themselves to death.

Like mother, like daughter

In order for daughters to be comfortable with their bodies, mothers can not be at war with theirs. Mothers must refrain from constantly, bitterly complaining about their weight and shape and obsessing about fat grams. Food must not be the enemy. Girls need to be taught to celebrate their bodies' individual strengths and vitality, regardless of their dress size. The numbers on a scale or the breadth of their hips must not determine their self-esteem.

More swim-suited adolescent girls of all sizes will begin to brighten the beach when their mothers begin to accept and respect their own bodies, freeing themselves and their daughters from the fear of fat. All our daughters deserve a day at the beach.

Parent ToolKit: Building Positive Self Image

Question: How do I help my 12-year-old daughter increase her self-esteem when my own is not that great?

Answer: Even though life experiences have not enabled you to feel positive self-esteem, you still can help others to build a positive image:

1. Compliment your daughter on the decisions that she makes. When she has a problem, help her to search for ways to deal with the situation, rather than taking over the problem and telling her what she should do.

2. Help her analyze her poor decisions so she can identify her mistakes and chart better courses of action.

3. Encourage your daughter to take positive risks such as trying out for a sport, attending a club, or volunteering to work on a special project. By taking these risks, she can gain the attention from others who can support you in your efforts to make her feel significant.

4. Teens feel most confident when they know they can make a difference -- that they can help others. Seek opportunities for her to show what she can do and where she can earn compliments from others, not just from her friends or her parents.

It's never too late to begin to find out just how great we really are. Make a list of your own strengths and find ways to use them more. Others will notice and value your contributions. Soon you'll be on the road to building your own self-esteem.

Girls Rule! - Healthy Steps Toward Building Self Esteem

Girls Rule! Healthy Steps Toward Building Self Esteem:
For Parents & Youth Service Providers

#1 Creating A Bill of Rights for Kids (K-8th Grade)

One of the reasons children often fail to stick up for themselves is simply because they're not clear about what they are entitled to expect from other people. It is worth helping school-age children compose a personal bill of rights so they can achieve some sense of clarity about this issue. Children need to decide what they are entitled to, what standards to maintain, and where the line falls between acceptable and unacceptable behavior.

Respect is a key component of assertiveness, but truly assertive behavior is not just about encouraging respectful behavior from others; it's also about demonstrating respect in your dealings with them. One of the benefits of taking the time to think about a personal bill of rights is that it also gives children clear guidelines as to how they can conduct themselves in ways that respect other people's rights, too.

When your child has come up with five to ten principles that he is happy with, take the time to type or write them out neatly. Perhaps you can even frame the document and put it up somewhere he will see it every day. Encourage your child to approach this task in his own way, but if the bill is to function as a useful benchmark for assertive behavior, it should probably include some of the following principles:

I have a right:
To say what I think
To express my feelings and wishes
To be treated with respect
To live my life without being bullied or manipulated
To be myself
To stick up for my rights
To respect the rights of others
To use my talents and abilities
To choose how I respond to other people

Keep in mind that the process of becoming more assertive and finding the delicate point between confidence and aggression is one that children can take a while to perfect. Sometimes the situations they encounter on the playground can challenge even the most assertive individual. Be on hand to provide extra support and coaching when needed.